I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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