3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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