I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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