She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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