i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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