i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
