oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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