why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
