I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
