I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Randomize
