My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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