I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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