I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize