You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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