sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
