exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
