I just saw a hot homeless man
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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