did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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