It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
