This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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