you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
