shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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