Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize