I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
In America we eat man semen.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
