he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
