i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
