Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
