I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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