His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
