I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
