pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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