the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You took a bar mat shot.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize