so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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