Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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