I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
