I want to make a zoo with you.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
