They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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