I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
