YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
You smell like stripper and shame
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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