On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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