the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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