shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
