My nipple is on Facebook.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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