i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
