Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
