When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
