Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
