Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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