sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
