omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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