Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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