I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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