Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Acid is not a monday night drug
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
